I was four hundred dollars up. I hadn’t lost a hand in almost an hour. As the dealer passed me my cards I was overjoyed to see I’d been dealt pocket aces. I placed a bet of one hundred dollars on the table. My opponent called my bet and raised me another fifty, I gladly called this bet. The flop was three twos and I started having my doubts. My opponent called me all in and I, thinking it was a bluff, hesitantly accepted. After I had placed my bet I saw him smirk slightly and I knew it was over. In the end my full house was no match for his four of a kind, and just like that, I was broke. I spent the rest of the night sick to my stomach over that hand.
This is the problem I face every time I play poker. I have no problem winning a decent amount of money. When that arrogance kicks in however, I lose the edge that had got me to where I was. I play recklessly, and essentially piss away the money I had earned. I tell myself every time that I’ll play better next time, but I never do. My gambling addiction has cost me everything… as I write this I’m sitting in the back of the Subaru that I call home. I won’t give up on poker however, poker has taught me everything about life.. Sometimes you’re up, and sometimes you’re down. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I’ll be on top again.
Reality… how loosely that word is used. What is reality exactly ? Theoretical physics tells us there is no actual reality until it is processed by our brain. If that’s the case, reality is whatever we want it to be. We shape our own experience of reality within the confines of our mind. So I guess you could say, we have created this Hell we live in, and we have damned ourselves to endure it for all of time.
Oh treacherous serpent,
Unravelling from your tree,
You look me in the eyes,
And tell your lies to me,
You claim to be my friend,
You say you love me so,
But the ice behind your words,
Tells me that you don’t,
Yet still I gave you all my trust,
Let past grievances go,
Then you drove a stake into my heart,
And left my body in the snow
I understand it now,
Your ceaseless call for peace,
Meant solely to tear down my walls,
Destroying them piece by piece,
It would have almost worked,
Were it not for this crede of mine,
A little something you taught me serpent,
To trust is to die.
Suddenly everything around the room seemed to lose distinction, blurring into a kaleidoscope of colors. I looked down as the deep red strain spread across the front of my new sweater. It’s funny that the sweater was what I noticed, perhaps my minds way of keeping me from seeing the gaping hole in my chest and panicking. I knew this was it, this was the end to a short miserable existence… but was it really that miserable ? For the most part I had an amazing life, it was nobody’s fault but my own that it had been wasted. I had been selfish, ungrateful, and had seemingly stomped every opportunity I’d been given into the dirt. Yes, this was my fault. It was never going to end any other way than this, not with the way I have been. The darkness started tearing at the edges of my vision, and as I started to fall into that final sleep, I heard the strangest noise.
Darting up out of my sweat soaked bed I reached for my alarm. I had been having this dream for months… perhaps it was time I tried to change my life. I was spiralling out of control and this dream was giving me a warning. One should never die without knowing they took advantage of every opportunity they had been given. Yes, this dream was a sign, a sign I definitely needed to see.
As he took the last drag from his evening cigarette, Sebastian thought he could feel her near. He felt his rage flare out of control, and stood to look for her. Then suddenly he was swept off his feet and slammed hard into the concrete below. Trying desperately to catch his breath he looked up to see a shadowy figure gliding towards him. “Y…Y…you..” He stuttered, climbing to his feet. “Yes.” The figure calmly said, plunging its fist into Sebastians chest. In utter shock he stared at the hole in his chest, mouth agape, and with his last coherent thought he wondered if she had sent this creature.
Seemed no matter how much I begged she would not change her mind. She was insistent upon leaving and never coming back. As I opened the door and bid her farewell however, I could see in her eyes that she would be back. So now I wait… it’s been 22 years since that night, but I know she’ll return… and I’ll be here when she does.